All collapse in a sudden. A lot of people have gone, left myself feeling so isolated.

 

J was kidding "you dont have any friend" -- maybe he is right, even i die in my little room one day, nobody will even notice.

 

I was so grateful to have P as my friend, because whenever others put themselves first, that one will think for me first. It's not easy, so it deserve to be treated specially. While, it went wrong, when that person say somehow being used. Because I m too weak? Because I m always the one need help? Thus i lost the first one.

 

I wrote a letter to J telling my true feelings. Sometimes even people know it's stupid but they will still do it, that stupid one is me. If I have a little sense of being practical and pretending, i wont screw so many things up. The door to heaven will never shut, while the door between people are not easily open;  I guess I once had the door opened for me, but I took it for granted and missed it, when I finally recognized, everything was too late and can not restart. Everytime i think i m getting closer would be followed by a further apart. The moment i argued with him I was so sad because the one "supposed" to be a good friend "seems not" and I was so empty; The moment i wrote that letter i was so peaceful because i already lost everything, what's the point for more struggling, are there anything worse than this?  

 

Have I lost C? this one I dont even have a clue, just suddenly lost contact, like the person has been evaculated from the earth, disappeared.

 

I guess maybe I think about myself too much.

 

God loves us, so he s willing to listen our problems, share it and support us. And he likes us need him.

 

If I love you, shall I keep a distance from you since the only thing i can give is trouble, so you can probably have a more peaceful and happier life? or shall I try to do everything to keep you with me, since that's the origional meaning of everything.

 

Love will tear us apart--it's hard to say why, humans are interesting, they are so greedy for good things, always wanna more and more, always wanna better and better.

 

Watched the new movie "my blueberry night", like the word "the best way to kill your addiction is to keep yourself busy" so she does two jobs, keeping herself have no time to think about past.

 

The only time i can find peace is when i m in church when I can feel the greatest love, the love doesnt expect you anything, the one will forever last, the love makes Jusus die for all of us some who he doesnt even know. I think i m sick, and home sick, on earth, the only pure and eternal love is from parents, this time i m so longing for home